WHERE AM I?

12 Mar. 2015

Let’s back up to yesterday which I think I am finally done processing. The morning actually started out peaceful. Guaranteed it was my usual jumping from chore to chore only to realize I never completed the first one.

I threw clothes in the washer and headed upstairs to put other clothes away (they might have been from the last day I did laundry), but hey better late than never. I went to put a washcloth in the linen closet. Singular as in one. The closet wasn’t organized so this led me to empty all its contents out. I am happy to report it is once again in top shape, however, I missed the rinse cycle to add the fabric softener. Damn.

I started to empty the dishwasher but Ares, my screwball cat, was in a playful mood so I grabbed my camera and took pictures of him. Then reality hit me as I realized I had my appt. with my therapist so I quickly threw the load of clothes into the dryer and started the next for the washer.

Oh yeah, I was going to empty the dishwasher. I got sidetracked. I got busy throwing what I needed for the day in my book bag. Decided I better get in the kitchen and get the dishwasher unloaded. Ah ha! The rinse cycle started and I sure as hell was not going to miss it again.

I glanced at my watch to make sure I was staying on track for my appt.. I took my dog out so she could do her business. I had to grab the camera again before we went out. You never know.

Grabbed everything I needed and headed out the door. I knew it would be a bit of a walk to get to the bus stop. I had this down. I did this once before. I even put the info. in my phone from the last time. I got on the bus with no problem. There are two buses with the same route number but they go to different places. You must remember Florida is the state that couldn’t count at the polls. Why they must have two buses with the exact same number is beyond me.

Everything was going smooth. I would have just enough time. The last time I was too early. I sighed because I remembered I didn’t unload the dishwasher. Little too late now. I saw my next stop to pick up the shuttle bus and pulled the cord. Hey wait!  Dude you passed my stop. Seriously?  Detour signs and construction. I ask the driver where I could pick up the shuttle. I think they think you have a sixth sense and you know where to go when they are off their route. And let me tell you I had no idea where I was. I followed his directions and got to the stop. Great . . . no one there but the twenty or something male construction workers and all watching me.  I had nine minutes before I could get on. Those nine minutes felt like an eternity. It finally arrived and I remembered there was a closer stop I could get off. My watch is ticking away.

I got off at the stop thinking I would save time. Wrong! The three homeless guys got off at that stop, too. One of them said hello and I said hello back. I am not a total bitch. Now I am power walking because I am close to my appt. time. Have you ever seen anyone power walk? It’s pretty damn amusing.

I do the therapy thing. She asked how my bus trip was. She also knows that I have to know where I am going. She also knows this is only my second trip. Guess what? I still have ADHD.

The trip back was going so well. I texted my daughter to see if she wanted to meet for coffee. I figured she was at work and she didn’t get a chance to answer back yet. I took a chance and got off at the plaza. My parents called so we chatted.  I hadn’t heard from my daughter so I was going to head back. The bus pulls in and the marque says V.A. Clinic. We are headed outbound. Instead of turning right she turns left. Oh hell and no! This cannot be happening. She didn’t change the marque back. There is no stop close so I  get off at the first one I see. I had to backtrack but I was so happy because there was a stop closer then I thought. Alas!

I knew there were detours in our area, too. I got off thinking it was close. Let’s just say I took a very long walk. My  daughter called when I  was half way home. She kept me company while I walked and walked. I finally got home. I wanted wine but I settled for water and headed to the shower. I wanted to wash the day away. I didn’t do any art. I was too frustrated.

This morning as I walked  I saw the resting Buddha. The birds were singing with the singing with the first morning’s light. Today will be better. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE TODAY

11 Mar. 2015

O.K. so I said it. A lot of people would never use that title but I am not a lot of people. I had to be analytical today. Oh my aching brain! Today I wish I were invisible. No more whining. No more complaining. No more bitchy people and if they must be a bitch at least take your damn flying monkeys with you when you leave.

I wanted to race up the stairs and hit the art studio. But that was not going to happen because then I had to start dinner. You can see the time. If not . . . it’s 9:17 p.m. and my arse is not going to create anything. Who needs to eat anyways? When I am in the anti-social mood the best thing to do is to just let me ride it out. In other words I don’t care about dinner this late at night to begin with but someone does. I did my time. I had my children and raised them. There is just the two of us now and I want to point and say, ‘there’s the kitchen.’ I really don’t like eating this late at night. Give me a cup of coffee or some tea. Just let me be.

Now when I use the analytical term that means that I am being ‘normal’ and not the creative starving artist. I pout. I kick things out of the way. I sulk because I am in the ‘no people’ zone and I must stuff the creative beast deep down within. It’s like when you are young and your Mom sends you out to play but you don’t want to so you sit on the stoop and pout. UGH! This sucks! So it’s suck it up buttercup and head to work. Have a sunshine day. Play well with others. Blah, blah, blah.

But, but, but I have so many things running around in my brain. I have art to do. It is going to be a loooong night for me because my body is charged with electricity. It will be a sleeping pill night because I have to rest says my Dr. It is not a matter of mind over matter. It is necessary. There is no natural combination of herbs that will unwind me. It just gets worse without sleep.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. It has been awhile. I get to walk. Ride the bus. I get to pack a sketchbook and pencils. I will do something creative damn it. I will be alone. Ha! Well at least until I see my therapist. I might even lug my camera around. I might wear my black shirt with huge white letters that say LEAVE ME ALONE.  Yes, this is also a common trait for some of us ADHD folk. It is most difficult for me to get out of this zone. It is why I keep a journal. My journal is the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is where I go when I can’t stand me either. I should put my ear buds in and listen to Albannach. Drumming, drifting, and hoping someday I will see a field full of heather. I would love to run through the field with the wind in my hair. Do they have snakes in Scotland? If they have snakes in Scotland then I will walk slowly and with much caution. If I should chance upon one then I will run like Hel’s dogs are chasing me. Snakes are drawn to healers I’ve been told. That analytical self sure gives me no rest.

For now I am going to take my grumpy, needs art and nature self to bed. I’ll ride this out. Yeah, yeah, I will take my sleeping pill and snore this day out. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

PROMISES TO THE WIND

10 Mar. 2015

Have you ever had one of those days when you just know when you wake up that nothing good is going to possibly happen? Today is mine. I am seriously irritated because I have so many ideas for my art work and no time to put them anywhere today.  Any artists out there will know what I mean. It’s like walking into an art studio with everything imaginable to create art with and then someone says that you can’t touch.

And it all goes back to promises. Promises that have become words just said but never meant. Promise after promise . . . year after year. For years I have heard from a certain someone that things will change, blah, blah, blah, etc. But I am at fault, too, because I know damn well that promises have been illusive in my reality. This other person in my life is a dreamer but a dreamer must become a doer.

Like the dandelion above. If you blow on it then the seeds will scatter and take hold. My father’s nightmare when I was young, blowing the fuzzy heads off many a dandelion all over his beautiful green lawn. Have I done something wrong? Have I not scattered the seeds all over to, hopefully, take hold? I’m a realist. When the hell did I hold onto this foolish fantasy like a child? I have made it a huge point to complete my art, to continue to blog, and a year ago this never would have happened. I am focused. I am driven.

I make my dreams come true. I need to. I have to. I must start taking charge of my own life. I have to stop waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting . . . while someone tries to tell me things will change. It is now 2015 and I have heard this mantra since I can’t even remember. I must do the very thing I am afraid to do.  I must take a risk, set a date, and take that leap of faith that has kept me chained and bound like a prisoner. If I don’t then all these promises have been to wind. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

JAPANESE RESTING BUDDHA

3 Mar. 2015

It was very foggy this a.m.  Lots of humidity. I am wondering why the hell I bothered to straighten my hair.  It is going to be a warm day.

I am excited about going to Epcot with my best friend tomorrow. I love the flower and garden event. I get to break in my camera, too. I think I will pack the manual. I haven’t even begun to play with it. I have a list going on in my head about what I want to bring or what I need to do to be ready for 8:30 a.m. And I am also thinking I need to send Mike a reminder for his car ins. as we didn’t get the bill, yet. In other words, my mind is in its normal state, chaos.

I am also continuing to wonder why the huge change in my life. Then I see it. I saw the most unusual Buddha I have ever seen. So when I was able to stop I looked it up. I have seen many poses but never this one.

I’ve always been fascinated with Buddhism. I think my Father finds it interesting that I investigate other religions. I’m eclectic. There is a difference between atheist and agnostic. An atheist lacks faith in God, believes there is no god, or lacks awareness of gods. An agnostic person believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a god or is non committal on the issue.

The analytical part of me has a hard time accepting. I am kind of caught somewhere in the middle of atheist but my creative side knows there has to be a  higher power. Perhaps God resides within us.We are all energy beings. Most religions have a common thread that runs through all of them. I believe we all strive for enlightenment.

So here I am astounded that there is yet another pose I am not familiar with. It was interesting for me because I believe there is no such thing as coincidence. I had been asking about the huge change in my life and after searching I discovered this particular Buddha is called the Japanese Resting Buddha. Perhaps the answer was right there. He was probably saying, “Chill. Take a break.”

I have always believed the universe hears your prayers, needs, and thoughts.  Your words and thoughts attract negative or positive. My question was answered. I am where I need to be at this given moment. I need to trust in that. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

I’M ACTUALLY TIRED

2 Mar. 2015

This is my friggin’ mess. If it doesn’t look like this then I didn’t do enough. It looks like an art fairy barfed. I did a lot of gesso work today. I needed to prime canvases. I am also experimenting right now with different textures and mediums.

I was up late last night. Sometimes this backfires but for today it worked. I am in hyper focus mode. My hubby doesn’t take it personal. He knows I won’t talk much. He actually did the laundry so I could get some art in.

I’ve been working on a charcoal drawing at the bus stop or as I like to call it, ‘my office.’  I wait to go to work there. The bus drivers wave hello and drive by. They even know my routine. I love charcoal. I like it much better than graphite. Graphite has its place but charcoal is a love thing.I had a black and white print and decided to try different textured paper to see what the effect would be. It was fun. I hate being bored. It makes me nutty. The paper grew so I had to finish it at home the other day. Couldn’t tote it around. I had plans for it so today I primed.I also have two other projects I needed to get ready for. Prep work is necessary. Patience is the rough part for me. You have to allow things to dry. Everything I did today was preparing for another day. I tried other mixed media textures, too. For now this is in its almost complete state but not quite yet. There are finishing touches that will tie all the loose ends together. Serious mind today. I take it when it happens. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

CABIN FEVER AND GROCERY SHOPPING

1 Mar. 2015

It is not that I don’t like that my husband is home but I am not getting what I need to get done. I have a grocery list to put together and I hate, loathe, detest, abhor grocery shopping. There is nothing more boring to me other than cleaning a toilet. Both are necessary evils.

I did get my workout in. 45 min. of cardio with great music. If I don’t do this in the a.m. then it won’t get done. It will be a good intention with nothing happening later. I even remembered to put my Fitbit on. I was seriously irritated because I forgot to put it on Friday. I challenge with others.

I am having a bout of serious cabin fever. It’s raining and I feel like a goldfish in a bowl just swimming and swimming for lack of nothing better to do. I have the attention span of a goldfish, too. We are not going to brag about the latter.

I am bored with food as well. This is perhaps why I haven’t just uprooted my arse and have run to grab paper and pen to make the grocery list. I can’t eat wheat/gluten. It is boring. I could be doing art but if I start then I will have to stop. Not a good idea especially if I go into hyper focus mode.

My cat, Ares, is entertained by the squirrel coming close to the window. I am entertained as well. We both look at each other with that, ‘my look at that squirrel would ya.’  Ares and I often tie when it comes to being easily entertained. My dog, on the other hand, rolls her eyes at us and goes back to sleep.

It is now up to me to get my husband moving, preferably out the front door so we can get this day done. Oh joy! Grocery shopping! Can I? Guess I will have to make a grocery list. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

RAIN RAIN RUNAWAY

28 FEB. 2015

It rains and I feel so alone. I can feel alone in a crowd of people. Alone is not necessarily a bad thing. However, today it is not a good thing. I started this blog page so others could understand the ADHD individual. Every individual is unique. There is no one size fits all. The flipside of me is that I can get depressed. It use to cripple me. Now I allow myself to feel it and then move on.

Today the rain is reminding me of a walk I took so long ago. After my son’s funeral I took my German shepherd husky mix, Goliath, out for a walk with me. It was cold and raining. I didn’t want an umbrella. I wanted to feel the rain on my face. Tears from heaven sharing the deep sorrow I felt.

I remember at church how I pressed my head against the cold glass door after kissing my son good bye for the very last time. People wanted to run over to console me. I remember my husband waving them off. He knew how fragile I was. I was the house made of cards waiting for the gentlest breeze to scatter in every direction. My husband knew I would bolt out that door  and run if anyone tried to touch me.

To this day I will physically run or I will runaway when I hurt. Hop on a plane. Check into a hotel. Get in a car with no destination in mind. Younger days it was the beach. I no longer drive. This is one of the three reasons that I don’t. Run, run, and run. I run because I think that the hurt will not catch up.

My therapist asked me a couple months ago what would happen if I allowed myself to feel the hurt. I told her I was afraid I would never stop crying. I always have money set aside. My useless X abandoned me and my two small children. He left us with nothing.

When I hurt and want to run I play this secret game (not a secret anymore). I hold the money in my hand. I dream of a little cottage on the beach. I allow myself to visualize. I take deep breaths. Inhale, exhale. I visualize the happy Buddha and his beautiful smile. I see the wise Siddhartha. I understand Shiva and Vishnu. I thank the universe for calming my impulsive heart. I put the money away.

I am eclectic when it comes to religion because my damn analytical mind wants answers.  There is a difference between being spiritual and being religious. I knock no ones religion. I do expect the same in return. I run, walk or ride a bike to my place of worship. It might be the trees or it could be the ocean.

The snake is on the left side of my animal totem and the hind (deer) is on the right. A deer runs because it has learned to survive. Stop in the middle of the road and a car can hit you. Stand still and you can be shot by a hunter. Some trust in their instincts and drink from a brook or eat berries that have been warmed by the sun. I run in my heart and mind because I have also learned how to survive. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

IT IS HERE YOU WILL FIND ME

27 Feb. 2015

This was written much later.

Here you will find me among the pages. My soul bare. My emotions in every crossed letter and every dotted ‘i’.  My art only few will understand. On these pages I am raw; exposed. There is a delicate heart. It is fragile like a strand of blown glass. I let you in here.

Someone once said that my smile does not match the sadness in my eyes. Ah, the eyes, the windows to the soul. Do not be sad for me. I am a survivor. I am not a victim. Others cruelty could not break my spirit. I am here and I am stronger.

Never ask me to verbally express what I cannot. I will stumble, trip, and falter. If you want to know me you will find me here. You will find me in my words and the many forms of art I choose. The real me.

DRIFTING AND DRUMMING

27 Feb. 2015

It is going to be one of those days where my mind just drifts from thought to thought. On my walk I felt sadness as I walked by my old home to visit my daughter. It is so very hard and I have tried to stay away from that end of the street. The bushes were all pulled out in the front. I met ‘Jewel’ in those bushes. She would bask in the morning sun. I am terrified of snakes but mesmerized as well. She is one of my totem spirits. I have also been told that snakes are always near to a healer.

The shed on the side of the house is gone. Two litters of stray cats were born in that shed. The first mother died but her daughter, Persephone, I had spayed after her first litter. I have kept one of her children, Ares. My son has Apollo. The rest we found homes for. I love animals. In fact, I probably like animals more than people.

My neighbor lost her cat. I was moving and I knew I could not take Persephone from her area. My neighbor took Persephone and her husband and her adore her. I remember too many beautiful thoughts in that home. It is the memories and not the home that will continue to live in my heart.

My artwork is in the gallery of a magazine. I hope it will be chosen to be featured. It was an act of bravery for me to submit it. I wonder when I will ever feel good enough. My best friend is proud of me. I am proud of her because she said she will even go through the butterfly area at Epcot with me. I love butterflies and dragonflies. Have you ever seen a dragonfly’s face up close? Such a jeweled alien face. Butterflies tickle. Tiny winged faeries.

I know today I will give all I have. I will consult those with cancer. I come home after many hours and will not be able to speak because I am exhausted. I am an empath.  It is difficult some days. If I should make a difference in one person’s life then I have done well.

I drift to the charcoal work I’m engaged in. Tomorrow I will put my Albannach CD’s in and fill that canvas. Albannach is my favorite music. Drumming and archery are on my bucket list. Often I wonder if musical artists realize what a huge impact they have on people.

Albannach’s music feeds my heart and soul. The drumming mixes with the beat of my heart. I want to dance. I want to write. I want to paint. I want to pick up a sword. It calms my ADHD brain. Drumming allows me to see things. My therapist says that some ADHD people have a sixth sense. I am no exception. No one likes when I dream. She said I could develop it further if I would like. I told her that I actually had someone help me to not dream as often years ago. I remember every prophetic dream I have ever had. The hardest part is when they come true.

Drumming helps me release this crazy frenetic energy that I swear is stored at a molecular level. Drumming helps me to accept those truths about myself even when I feel I cannot. I can hold my chin up, throw my shoulders back, and know this is who I am. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

27 Feb. 2015

It is not easy being married to a person with ADHD. We are forgetful. We have our own strange way of doing things. We are a real pain in the ass.  My husband has very little patience at times. He might have to go over things a million times until it registers in my brain. The experts suggest that one should never talk to a person with ADHD like a child. Ahem!  I say that is sound advice and should probably be adhered to.

I hate asking him anything about a computer. How to upload pictures, etc.  NO PATIENCE!  He will say he was being nice. He will say he was being patient. And I will say that is hard to believe when a vein is bulging in his head. It makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel incompetent. It also does very little to help with self esteem. So on this matter I will agree to disagree.

I have my good points. Yes, there are some.  I am entertaining for many people because I am quick witted. I think outside the box. Way outside the box.  I don’t like clutter. My brain is already cluttered enough so clutter bugs the hell out of me. I don’t like dishes sitting in the sink or clean clothes piled sky high. I can look at things from a different perspective quickly.

Give me 5 words and I will begin writing a story. Leave me alone in the art studio all day and the creative beast will pound its chest in happy bliss. I love color and even though I am color blind I manage to create wonderful color schemes. I have no fear of popping color. Bright, happy, and loud as life colors. It reminds me to continue to laugh at myself and to not take myself so seriously that I am a huge bore to be around.                                                                                                                                                                                                  I leave the dishwasher open. I leave the dryer door open, too. I honestly thought I would fold it. But I got sidetracked when I took my dog out for her walk. I might have watched a hawk above. The warm sunshine invited me to play so I did. I usually come home like a child and race upstairs to start artwork or add an idea to my notebook.

My husband is never amused with the doors open. I think he might be a little OCD personally. I have the ‘live in the moment’ thing down. I can change tracks in seconds.  He see me as forgetful. I see my inner child wanting to be free. Forget the doors. Play in the sun. Take pictures of whatever you fancy. He will say to this argument, “why do you always have to leave the dishwasher door open?”  Hum . . . patience? Not so much. I smirk as I go over to make Mr. Happy Pants happy as I close the door. We will agree to disagree. And who knows maybe I am just trying to see how long it will take him to get on my arse about the damn door. Until tomorrow I wish you peace.